Recently, my good buddy Mark Solorio and I (and his lovely wife and adorable daughters) went on an off-road Jeep trip, which we had done many times before.  It was to an area that I had never been before and I was very glad Mark had a map (two, actually) of the area that could get us up the mountain and to the highway and, eventually, back home.  My family was unable to accompany me, so I was by myself in my Cherokee.

Being alone for several hours in my car was something I was looking forward to because I desperately needed some uninterrupted time to talk to God as He and I hadn’t been “connecting” very well lately.  Our Easter services were a very big “high” for me due to the majesty of the worship choir, the power of Pastor Chris’ words on Jesus’ resurrection, and the time of praise we experienced as a church.  It was phenomenal and I was blessed to be a part of it. 

However, only two days later, my youngest daughter suffered a very serious broken arm that required surgery and a 4-day hospital stay, and she will need additional surgery in one year.  It’s the worst thing, by far (praise God!) that’s ever happened to either of my kids, and it shook my wife and I pretty bad.  I hadn’t been able to pray with any real conviction since it happened, to be honest.  I wasn’t mad at God – not at all.  I was just numb.  The emotional pain I had experienced from seeing this traumatic thing happen to one of my kids (the break, in three places, was as bad as it could be and broke through the skin) had opened up a new level of heartache and I had not yet allowed God’s comfort to penetrate and calm me there.  The euphoria from the Easter services seemed like it happened months ago, if at all.

To go even further back, I’ve never understood the concept of being “in love” with Jesus.  I truly love Him, like I love my parents and my siblings, but not like I love my wife.  How could anyone be “in love” with someone who it seems so impossible to ever please or live up to his expectations?  I try to be a good Christian, but I just never seem to get it together.  Can you relate?

As we drove out Highway 18 towards Lucerne, I began to pray.  I thanked Him for all the good things in my life and I confessed sins (the ones I could remember, anyway!).  I prayed for people I could think of who needed it, but not long after that, I ran out of things to say.  So, I told Him that I was frustrated in my relationship with Him and I needed something “fresh” to learn about Him.  Now, Pastor Chris has given us a lot of great stuff to think about and apply to our lives over the last 9 months, so it’s not like I’ve been starved for spiritual food.  But, I just needed something to hit me in the head and rekindle my fire.  Some spiritual “shock paddles”, if you will.

My prayer didn’t last much longer as I just started daydreaming and, eventually, turned the radio on.  I followed Mark up a dirt road that led to a riverbed through many valleys and canyons.  It was beautiful.  An hour or so later, we came to a fork in the river.  Since Mark had the maps, I never questioned his choice to go “right” and not “left” (he’s successfully led me on countless expeditions through the desert).  He had many choices to make after that, and none of them took us back to Highway 18 near Baldwin Lake like they were supposed to.  The lines on the maps just didn’t match the trails we were seeing. Seriously – you have no idea how many roads we went up that led to dead ends or the trail narrowed down to where only motorcycles could pass.  We just kept having to turn around and go back the way we had come.

To make matters worse, all I had had to eat that day was what I had with me: corn nuts (ranch flavored!) and a huge bottle of water, and it was well past lunchtime.  Mark confessed he had no idea where we were.  There was no reason to panic because we knew we could go back the way we came, but that would add hours to our trip that had already taken 3 more hours than we had planned. 

Just when I thought Mark was going to give up, we drove past a guy in a jeep who was just parked on the side of the trail.  Mark asked him how to get to the highway and he sent us on the right path in no time at all.  When we saw where we had gone wrong, we realized that it was that blasted fork in the road…we had chosen the wrong road.  The maps that Mark had been looking at didn’t make any sense because we had been driving on roads one or two mountains away from the ones on the maps.  They just didn’t line up.  Praise God that he put that guy on the side of the trail (no idea what he was doing there) because he showed us where we made the wrong choice.

Although I had a headache that was getting worse from lack of quality food and too much bouncing, I was happy to be on the flat highway back home.  But, my spiritual dilemma was unresolved, or so it seemed!

The next day, in his sermon, Pastor Chris nailed me between the eyes.  He put the paddles to my chest and cranked up the juice.  Through his passion and insightfulness, I realized that I have been a “legalist” in my perception of God’s view of me, and love for me, for a long time.  I know He loves me, but it always felt like He loved me with an attitude of, “Oh, Steve.  Poor, pitiful Steve. Are you ever going to stop messing up?” It just didn’t seem like I could ever “get it together” enough for Him to accept me and love me for who I was.  I didn’t realize it, but I was trying to “earn” His love because I never fully understood what Christ did for me on the cross.  I mean, I knew he died in my place and bore my sins and, because of that, I get to go to heaven, but I just never grasped that he truly TOOK MY PLACE not only on the cross, but everyday since then.  Forty four years of church and 14 years of Christian schools and no one had ever explained it to me with such clarity.

See, what I didn’t grasp is that, when God looks at me, He sees His son, Jesus, who is perfect and blameless and without one single sin.  God doesn’t see Steve, who never seems to read his bible enough or pray enough or isn’t always nice to people and doesn’t reach out to his neighbors like a pastor should; He sees His perfect Son, who He loves and cherishes and delights in, and there’s nothing I could ever do to change that or add to it or lessen it.  Praise God!!

I have been on the wrong road for a long, long time.  My constant trying and failing has often put me in a bad mood and stolen joy from my life (and, trust me, the lives of those around me, too) and made me envious of those Christians who seem to bounce through life without the burdens I felt I was carrying.  Like the Solorios and me on the trails, I wasn’t that far off.  I just needed someone to show me where I had made the wrong turn.  Praise the Lord that I now realize that I can’t “earn” God’s love and acceptance because it’s already been earned, once and forever. 

God sees Jesus, not Steve.  He sees perfection, not constant fumbling. 

And now, I see a Heavenly Father who, when he looks down on me, has nothing but the deepest love one can imagine and not just acceptance, but unbridled joy for me….and you, if you know Him.

How can I not be “in love” with a God like that?